Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 6:59 am


Postby renqe » Tue Aug 14, 2018 7:34 am

feel excommunicated from society and parts of my family.. i dont know where to begin so ill just start out with how ive been jobless for almost a year now and it all started with what felt like a stroke where my i could feel a nerve in my front inner skull and brain had popped and it could feel the bleeding internally as i became impaired and super weak .. couldnt walk properly, think, talk or see that clearly either.. all while at work. the worst part is that i didnt bother seeing a emergency for this but i after dealing with that entire work shift and feeling dead while persevering through that whole week i thought maybe i didnt need any treatment or help..

im still feeling like a swelled feeling in my brain and most times i probably cant think straight and the funny thing too is i feel like my vision is just weird some how.... i just feel like nobody believes me entirely when i tell them because its really hard to explain when youre in this condition. its easier to type all of this and express myself but in real life somehow i get stuck and people think im normal but inside i feel like ive malfunctioned completely... ppl really think im just lazy but i have frequent fatigue here and there and sometimes i second think if wether a job is okay or not esp physically demanding ones or even counting.. i cant even use the metric system or multiply that good to begin with to be doing stock or cashier without having to get stuck after reading and overanalyzing

its been 10 months without i job and i resigned entirely cause of that incident and decided to take a rest... been trying to heal entirely and slowly, but its completely hard to devote myself to any regular humane living when i cant even bring myself to go outside or even walk around... ive sort of broken some hearts along the way while i was in pain and i dont blame anyone for it and deserve everything completely.. but it just feels like a malignancy is taken over me, if anything it could be a desease.. not like it matters when nobody believes you.

maybe if i was open in the first place to them.. altho not like i havent tried.. its just difficult to explain yourself

could be the medication, the alcohol , the drugs but what does it all matter when it all sounds like an excuse

and its not like im making anything up to avoid productivity.. but i know for a fact and believe theres something eating away at me and it lets my demons take over me easily which is why i seclude myself from others to not bring them pain.. Its just ironic cause by doing nothing you still cause people pain

its like all i have is faith really

im tired of the staleness of suburban culture.. of staying indoors and if theres any outdoor activitys it involves me having car

sometimes your told " dont wait for the stars to align" but i completely still dont know whats worth doing to keep me fighting .. and spiritually i feel the flame is dulling

im passionate about art and illustrations but.. i sort of fall off to quick from just starting and my heart and energy, mind is absent for me to even capture what i imagine to want to draw if that makes sense

been trying to utilize meditation here and there but it can be hard to be consistent .. im not very active either idk where to begin to getting better.. hopefully the job applications ive sent will respond

i sound like im just scattered thought and generally i am..

i try to shift my thinking patterns to more positive ones but it just feels like im faking how i truly feel inside and i feel so much despair, heart ache and nothing

im just grey with a splatter of different coats of paint to mask what i am and thats pretty much a piece of shit with spontaneous thoughts mood patterns and just want control

Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:19 pm

Re: rockbottom

Postby pancake22 » Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:45 pm

Hey Rock,

I understand what you might be feeling as I also experience it. I feel as if there is something eating from the inside and has made its way out.

Try to call the jobs that you've applied to, and even try to pop in to speak with someone! Interaction with new people always feels nice. If you enjoy the outdoors, try to find outdoor activities away from where you live, maybe hiking, going fishing, etc.
I have put off speaking to a therapist for so long, and now is the time for me.
Too much alcohol and drugs make things worse, as it makes you unstable.
Meditation is lovely, but I myself have remained inconsistent. Just squeeze it in while you can!
i try to shift my thinking patterns to more positive ones but it just feels like im faking how i truly feel inside and i feel so much despair, heart ache and nothing

im just grey with a splatter of different coats of paint to mask what i am and thats pretty much a piece of sh* with spontaneous thoughts mood patterns and just want control" --- This speaks to me more than anything because it is what I feel as well. I try to fake it til I make it, but sometimes you must be until you are.

Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Jun 30, 2017 10:01 am

Re: rockbottom

Postby catch_the_music » Sat Aug 18, 2018 7:22 pm

Hi Renge. You sound like a good person with a lot of potential. You just are dealing with some tough circumstances. It will take some time but you can get yourself to a more positive outlook and circumstances.
The first thing is to talk to someone who can help validate who you are and get you moving in a positive direction. Sounds like you have been trying a lot on your own - and need some help to get to where you feel good about things. A Pastor or Counselor can help you do this.
Don't worry about putting on a face - everyone has to do that at times. Think of yourself as being capable and valued. Write down 5 of your best qualities. That will help you get to where you want to go! Prayers for your situation!

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