im dying and no one cares

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Olive
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:36 pm
Location: Buffalo NY

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Olive » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:19 pm

That’s so powerful :) I have always found it to be so hard to assert my needs and aspirations when they conflicted with the agendas of the people around me. That is so genuine. I think there is courage in just having the fortitude to say what is yours and what is not hers :)

Thank you for sharing that :)
~Olive

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 439
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Apr 16, 2018 12:14 am

Well... here I am again. I try as hard as I can to stay away from here because I want to believe that if I try hard enough things will get better. And sometimes it really does work. But it doesn't help things when you feel like you have the whole entire weight of the world on your shoulders.

My mom is doing okay. I don't think she will ever truly get back to the way she was before her stroke. I guess that is understandable after all considering she is 75 years old. When she walks she walks with a small limp because the stroke affected the left side of her body and her shoulder gives her a lot of pain and difficulty. She gets tired really easily too. Sometimes doing the smallest of things make her exhausted.

You would think that would make my niece back off a little wouldn't you? But no, it hasn't.

Last night when my mom was sitting down resting my niece called her on the phone and said she wanted to make cupcakes for the baby but she was completely out of eggs so she actually expected my mom to get up and drive into town and get some eggs for her. And know this ... me and my mother do not even live in town. We live all the way out in the country. My niece on the other hand lives in town. The grocery store is literally one minute away from her. She could actually walk to it if she had to because it is right at the end of her block. My niece does things like this all of the time...... ALL of the time.

Last night after my parents went to bed I sat outside all by myself and just watched the night sky for the longest time. I think I could have set out there forever. It's spring time here and everything is slowly waking up and bringing forth life again just like waking up from a beautiful dream. The first of the flowers are starting to bloom and the green leaves on the trees are peeking out. The air is warm and sweet and feels wonderful on your skin. I love to watch the stars shine and the airplanes all the way up in the black heavens blink with their colored lights.

I bet whoever is up inside them flying has no idea someone like me is setting there underneath them wishing I could fly like they do.

I'm strong damn it. I know I am. I've proved I am but I hate how every single time I start doing a little better people like my niece keep pushing me back.

I'm scared sometimes that she is going to make me lose my mom. She expects too much of her and she could very easily have another stroke and might not be lucky enough to survive another one.

And my niece actually had the nerve to ask me and my mom to start babysitting again.

I think the most painful time of the day is when she comes to pick up the baby after we babysit for her and I have to sit there and listen to her go on and on about what a gorgeous baby she has. She even laughed at my house because my floor was covered with baby toys. She thinks it's hilarious that my whole house looks like a day care center. She doesn't even care that after she leaves and goes home with the baby I have to sit there and pick up all of the toys and try as hard as I can to hold it together and not cry.

I hate how I still have to deal with this all by myself. Sometimes it scares me because I start thinking I would be better off dead. It scares me because I know damn well I don't ever want to die like that.

Last night when I was sitting out there watching the stars I couldn't help but think to myself everything feels like the beginning of the end and that terrifies me.

Everything I love is slowly slipping through my fingers and I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on to them so I don't lose them. I'm scared about losing my mom, my dad who is now in his 80's has a heart condition and his heart is now down to only functioning 14%. He suffered a massive heart attack years ago, has had a pace maker put in and also went through prostrate surgery and heart failure. All in these last few years.

My health myself isn't in the greatest condition either. I've had a lot of women's "female" issues and scares and a few other medical scares. Plus add depression and anxiety from all of that stress on top of that. Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take. Both in body and mind.

And does anyone remember that historic home I was trying to help keep standing? I was helping a woman who is in charge of a Restoration Committee to save it? We are losing that battle. The County Commissioners are fighting us every step of the way and are doing everything they can to have the home demolished and torn down. They are even playing every dirty trick in the book and they can get away with it because they are "high" in power there is nothing we can do about it. It's heartbreaking beyond words to lose that battle and know there is nothing we can do to save it.

One of my favorite places in the whole entire world is going to be destroyed. Demolished torn town piece by piece.... It's one of my favorite places to go when I am sad. Where will I go now?

And I miss talking to people online but I'm scared. After that whole Angie, Vicki lie I can't bring myself to open up to people again. There is a very small handful of people ( about 5 ) that I talk to once in awhile but every time I start getting ready to open up to them and let down the walls I get nervous again. I just can't bring myself to ever feel safe online again after what happened.

And now I lost one of my rescue cats. He was a crippled kitten from birth due to a birth defect. He fought a long hard life but in the end couldn't make it any longer. I know just how he must have felt. I miss him I want him back. I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him again.

Everything that helps keep me strong and holding on I'm losing.

I'm tired. I still wish someone was here to hold me and hug me and not let me go. I have fought for so long all by myself and now I'm even more tired than ever. I'm not exhausted because I am a quitter. If I was a quitter I would have quit and gave up a long time ago. I'm a survivor.... but even the greatest of survivors can't be expected to literally face everything all alone.

Like I said a thousand times before. I would give my entire body weight in gold to just have someone hold me. Save me. Hold me up so I don't have to keep fighting all of this all by myself.

But there is no one here.


There is a song by Miranda Lambert that I've been listening to and can really relate to. It's called Tin Man. Like in the Wizard of OZ. You know how the tin man was always wishing for a heart so he could feel love ? I bet if he was real he never realized what he was asking for because having a heart comes with a big price....

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin'
For something bound to fall apart

Everytime you're feeling empty
Better thank your lucky stars
If you ever felt one breakin'
You'd never want a heart

Ohh, ohh, oh

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
I've been on the road that you're on
It didn't get me very far

You ain't missin' nothin'
'Cause love is so damn hard
Take it from me darlin', you don't want a heart

Ohh, ohh, oh
Ohh, ohh, oh

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
Glad we talked this out
You can take mine if you want it
It's in pieces now

By the way there, Mr. Tin Man
If you don't mind the scars
You give me your armor
And you can have my heart

Ohh, ohh, oh
Ohh, ohh, oh
Ohh, ohh, oh
Ohh, ohh, oh - Miranda Lambert

Starlight forever and always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 439
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:24 am

I think I've made one of the hardest decisions in my life and that is just to give up on pretty much everything. I tried as hard as I could to hold on. I gave a good fight. I gave a hell of a fight but it just wasn't enough. I climbed that huge mountain and got to the top and realized there is still no one there. And I'm tired of constantly fighting and holding on just to be all alone in the end.

I've seen a lot of ugly things in this world. I see people hurting other people, people miss leading other people, people using other people. I just don't want to be a part of that world anymore.

There will always be that next beautiful sunset to reach out for but as for me I'm too tired to wait for that next one. I think I will carry with me all of the ones I have seen in the past and that will be enough.

As for me I have taken all that my heart can possibly take...
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Second_hand_Angel
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 11:38 pm

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Wed Apr 18, 2018 10:47 pm

I want you to do something for me. Sit down and have a good cry. Get angry, hell throw things if you have to. We all deserve the right to vent out sometimes. It's perfectly okay. Nobody can blame you!

Nobody and I mean nobody has a right to treat you or your parents the way you have been treated. So the woman who has had multiple abortions laughs at the woman who can never have children and spends her life picking up her child's toys. That says everything about her character. You do not have to be punished for her inconsiderate ignorance. Do not shut down because of a low person like that.

Another thing. If someone would treat my mother after she's recovering from a stroke like the way she treats yours, she would get those eggs delivered for sure. She would also get them thrown at her. Sorry if that offends anyone that is not my intention. But I do have freedom of speech and that is how I would feel under that situation. I am not saying that you should actually do something like that. It just sickens me on how she puts so many unfair demands on you and your parents.

As far as the Angie, Vicki saga. Star, nobody can blame you for needing lots and lots of time. Your head was messed with for 11 years by these people making you believe you were talking to someone that you wasn't. That does not go away overnight. Truth is, I don't know how long it will take. You have 5 new friends you talk to now though. That is great! That is a start. Don't feel like you have to rush it. You will get there. I promise. Nobody should expect you to rush something like that.

Anyone who tells you to get over it and stop living in the past clearly doesn't understand the concept of time. If you are feeling it now - it's the present.

I said this once and I will say it again. You have the capability to help people Star and I truly believe that. You have a gift with your words and that can take you very far in life. I honestly believe that is your life's purpose.

" Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall " - I need you to remember that.

I was thinking tonight one of the saddest things in the world is people who have an overwhelming amount of love in their heart to give someone yet they always seem to give it to the wrong person or are never able to find the right person. That reminds me of YOU.

many prayers go out to you and both your parents.
please take care of yourself


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