Can someone please give me some advice?

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seekinghelp18
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2018 6:49 pm

Can someone please give me some advice?

Postby seekinghelp18 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 7:37 pm

Hi, I'm new to message boards but I'm desperate for help. I have no one to turn to for advice or support. If someone can give me some advice on what to do, that would be much appreciated.

I believe that I have been dealing with social anxiety for six years and with depression for around four to five years. I don't have a clear understanding on how I developed them and why. I have a very nice life. My parents give me everything and I never have to worry about food or money. So I was very confused when I started feeling depressed and anxious.
I isolate myself from everyone. I don't like to hang out with my friends anymore and I don't like to hang out with my family anymore. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, like work or hobbies. I quit all of my extracurriculars. I'm actually having a hard time finishing this post... I lack concentration and I tend to get irritated very easily. For the first few years, all I ever felt was hopelessness, guilt and extreme sadness that it felt physical. I told a close friend at the time saying, "I think I may have depression," but she responded with "Are you sure it's depression? Or are you just seeking attention?" After that I shut up about it. We aren't close anymore.
It got to the point where I seriously thought about killing myself so in tears, I ended up telling my mom. She didn't know what to do and asked me what I needed to feel better. I suggested therapy and so she signed me up for a session. I started to feel a bit better, but I knew therapy was a long term solution. After the first few sessions she kept asking, "Are you better yet? How many more sessions do you need?" She didn't understand that I needed many more sessions to get better. I felt so pressured to say yes but I really wanted to continue with therapy. She finally resorted to saying how no employee will want to hire me if they knew I went to therapy for mental illnesses, that therapy was too expensive and a waste of money, that I just needed to exercise more, eat better, sleep better, that she's felt depressed before but it was just a 'phase' so it will pass. They never believed that I had depression even when the therapist said so. After around 8 sessions, I stopped. I felt so guilty because it was expensive.
Ever since I stopped going to therapy, it's like I never went. My parents don't seem to remember that I have ever been depressed, they never seemed to even think that I may still be depressed. I thought my depression went away after therapy. I didn't feel sad anymore, just numb. Empty. Emotionless. Still unmotivated but not sad. But in the past year, I get random episodes of depression. It hits me and I just feel so so depressed. And I had many anger episodes as well. I would get triggered by something small and every emotion I ever pushed aside would just explode out of me in anger. I would trash my room, punch holes in the wall, pound on doors that they would crack. In both episodes I self harmed. Cutting, burning, hitting my head. I felt crazy.
I have a trend of losing my best friends. I can list all of my ex bestfriends and tell you how we stopped being friends. I felt that they always abandoned me. Recently, I started to think maybe they left me because I did something to them for them to drop our friendship. Despite always losing my bestfriends, I still continued to build close relationships with very few people since I find it hard to make friends. I finally told one of my close friends, one that I knew for six years, what I have been going through. I have never ever trusted someone this much. People say I have trust issues but I don't know. I trusted her. But last year, she did physical things with my boyfriend. Three times. She didn't tell me until months later. And it was only because I was helping her out with her doing things with a mutual friend's boyfriend... It crushed me. And then a couple weeks later, my other really close friend started dating my boyfriend after I broke up with him. I told her how much he hurt me but she didn't seem to care saying, "He won't do that to me." It hurt to hear that. My two close friends, my two bestfriends, really, my only friends, betrayed me. In my eyes, it was betrayal. It felt like betrayal.
I just wanted to add that because now I had absolutely no one that I could talk to, trust, or ask for help. I'm still friends with both of them because I didn't want to lose anymore friends but still... I feel so alone when I'm with them. So distant. I'm so sorry, I have no idea where I was going with all of this. I guess I just needed to let this all out. I want to be able to trust someone and tell them all of this.
I'm just so so so frustrated that I feel like this. I feel like I have no reason to still be feeling this way. It's affecting my relationships and my work. I just want to be happy and start living my life again. I don't want to feel this way. I want to go back into therapy but I don't want to bother my mom with it again. I don't want to waste her money. Plus, mental illness is taboo in my family and seeking professional help is even more taboo. I don't know what to do. I'm just so tired. I would like whatever I'm feeling to end, whether it's through therapy, medication or death. I do want to live, but just not like this.
I'm so sorry for this very very long post and thank you to anyone who read all of this. I have so much more to say, I haven't even touched on my anxiety. That's why I feel that therapy would be best? To talk things out and to hear feedback. But I don't know how to ask for it? If any of you guys can please give me some advice on what to do I would appreciate it so much.

User avatar
Olive
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:36 pm
Location: Buffalo NY

Re: Can someone please give me some advice?

Postby Olive » Wed Feb 14, 2018 10:53 pm

Parents don’t usually understand what depression is, and most people don’t either. If you were physically ill and you couldn’t walk, for instance, no one would probably make you feel guilty for needing physical therapy to get you moving again. Unfortunately, many of us has been gaslighted into believing that depression is not a real, physiological illness by the people in our lives. When I first told my friends the way I was feeling, they told me “Not to be a b€#%h and do better.” So I understand your frustration and your confusion. You were brave to go to your parents in the first place.

What’s you could do is try to educate your mother a little. Have her read articles about depression. Tell her you need therapy but she has made you feel too guilty to ask for help anymore. You have so much bottled up, maybe letting you’re mom know a little bit about how she’s made you feel will change her mind and accept you.

As far as no boss being willing to hire someone that goes to therapy for mental illness... I don’t know where you are from, but in America, that is not something you have to disclose to an employer, because your personal health is not their business as long as you can show up and do your job. Please don’t listen to that kind of talk.

I am so sorry you are in this position. I was lucky and had parents who brought to a doctor and a therapist and it was still a rough situation. I can only imagine how you feel. But you seem so brave, and you’ve gotten yourself so far, so I admire you for that.

Depression is not your fault, and it is not fair that the world won’t aknowledge depressed people as ill. They have no way of understanding. I hope you are able to help your mother see what it is: a physiologically real, and potentially dangerous and debilitating illness. If you can explain to your parents that you need therapy and is a vital treatment for mental illness, I think your life’s would be much easier. So try some articles, or maybe ask your Mom to focus into a session with your therapist just to talk about symptoms that you experience.

If you want to show her this comment, for any reason, I think your mother needs to understand that depression leaves you very vulnerable. It reduces your threshold to where you can be over stimulated and made tired by things that would normally be just fine for you. A lot of the time we isolate and stop doin game the things we love because the depression has made it so we don’t be feel motivation and we don’t get the gratification from accomplishing something or just practicing a hobby. Telling a depressed person that what they need is a burden is like poisoning them. It isn’t actually pretty cruel, and even though your mother doesn’t know this, she is hurting you by denying you the treatment and medicine you need. This is not to say she doesn’t love you, burn like I said above, people do not understand depression.


So I wish you good luck. And I hope you are able to heal and get the treatment you need :)
~Olive

ImJohn
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:42 am

Re: Can someone please give me some advice?

Postby ImJohn » Fri Feb 16, 2018 11:55 am

Hello and welcome,

I'm so sorry that you've been suffering from depression and social anxiety, have been betrayed and that your family (especially your mum) doesn't understand your condition. The good news is that you've come to a place where people really do understand and can offer support and advice.

Before I continue I should be clear that I'm not a medical professional or a therapist all I am is a fellow sufferer who's learned a few things over the years; the learning never stops really. So here goes ...

1. Be kind to yourself. It's not your fault that you've developed depression and social anxiety nor do these things mean you're weak or stupid or some kind of failure. All they mean is that you've been a bit unlucky and that you suffer a lot.
2. As Olive advised try to persuade those around you that depression is very real, even if it is little understood. It's causes are complex and even though the blanket term 'depression' is applied we're all very different.
3. Have a look at a post by Ali on this site about vitamin D3 deficiency because your symptoms sound similar and she found a cure using this vitamin. There's a search tab just under the 'Depression Understood Forums' banner. If nothing else this may also persuade others that depression is real and can have identifiable physical (chemical imbalance in the brain) causes.
4. You're a kind, sensitive and worthwhile person (depressed people often are) so please remember that you're very welcome here where your feelings will be accepted and respected even if you want to rant and rave or moan or cry.

Take care

John :D

seekinghelp18
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2018 6:49 pm

Re: Can someone please give me some advice?

Postby seekinghelp18 » Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:46 pm

@Olive
Thank you so much for your quick response! You have no idea how much your support and advice helped. I really needed to hear all of that so thank you. I am sorry to hear about your friends' reactions, I don't understand why anyone would say that to someone who's trying to reach out for help. But I am so happy that you have parents who are getting you the help you deserve. I hope you are doing much better now! :)
And you're right about the lack of knowledge on depression, I myself still don't quite understand the whole complexity of depression. This is part of the reason why it's hard to explain to my mom what I'm feeling. I believe my mom has read articles on depression, I know my dad has. I don't know, maybe they find it hard to believe that I could have depression because it's never been something that's been present in our family? Another reason why I find it hard to tell my mom is because it scares her. I just don't want to scare her. But your comment, along with others, has given me more courage to speak to her about this again. If I do, I hope to not scare her.
Because of those reasons, I've been thinking that I should just wait until I go to college to seek help, since I'll be on my own and won't have to rely on my parents. Do you have any insights or suggestions on this? Do colleges have a psychologist on grounds? Maybe I'll make a post about this but I was thinking that maybe it's best if I wait until then to seek therapy.
Thank you again for all your support and your advice! This helped me in so many ways that I cannot express it enough!

seekinghelp18
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2018 6:49 pm

Re: Can someone please give me some advice?

Postby seekinghelp18 » Sun Feb 18, 2018 12:04 am

@ImJohn
Hi and thank you for taking the time to read my long post and respond! I'm so thankful that I found this place because there are so many supportive and nice people like you and Olive, it really helps. Thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself, I tend to forget, like most people do in rough times. It's hard to stay kind to yourself when you get frustrated for feeling a certain negative way for seemingly no reason. Also yes, I definitely will listen to Olive's and your advice on trying to help those around me understand depression. It's a bit hard because I myself still have so many questions about depression and because society has put a negative stigma on mental illnesses and speaking out about them, but I will definitely try. I told Olive this, but I was thinking of waiting until college to seek help? I heard colleges have a psychologist in their staff? I was wondering if you knew if this was true and if you had any insights about this. As much as I want my mom to understand, I feel that only a professional can, which she doesn't agree on. But, I also read Ali's post as you said I should and I found it very interesting! I looked up some more articles about it and I now will definitely bring this up with my doctor in my next regular check up. So thank you for that suggestion! Maybe that can be my solution :) Also, I hope you are doing well as you said you are a fellow sufferer. I hope you have supportive people around you and that you received the help you deserve!

ImJohn
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:42 am

Re: Can someone please give me some advice?

Postby ImJohn » Mon Feb 19, 2018 12:27 pm

Hello again,

I'm pleased you found our posts useful and that you're going to seek help; this is a very positive move so well done!

Here in the UK colleges and universities have a whole range of facilities for students who are having some sort of difficulty be it academic, financial or psychological. However, they cover a lot of ground, like your GP will, so may not know all about depression, but if you can work with them they'll more than likely be able to point you in the right direction.

In the mean time I'd suggest you make sure you eat a healthy well balanced diet, get enough rest / sleep and try to go out in the fresh air for some exercise if you can. Personally, I've found that 'chipping away' at depression helped more than seeking a 'magic bullet'. I hardly ever drink alcohol, don't smoke and limit my 'screen time' as well as eating well and exercising regularly.

Thank you for your kind thoughts; I'm doing fine at the moment thanks and I've been lucky in being able to talk to some supportive people.

Take care and .... remember to be kind to yourself.

John :D


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