just a start

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2017 10:43 pm

just a start

Postby doesntmatter » Mon Oct 09, 2017 11:13 pm

Everyone says that the past is in the past..but is it really? No matter what you do or where you go your past finds a way to catch up with you. That's what I've learned at least.
My dad verbally and sexually abused me from 3rd grade up to 7th grade, since then I've been dealing with anxiety and depression. It's getting better, or so my doctors tell me, but I'm not sure if improvement's an option for me. Yesterday I got through the day with no anxiety attacks but here I am tonight, registering for an "anonymous", depression and anxiety chat board writing about my problems. I have a feeling I might be on here a lot. Will anyone ever read this or give much attention to it? Probably not, but it gives me a chance to speak my mind and say things i'm too afraid to say outloud. one of those things being that I miss my da- no I miss having a dad. I miss having that reassurance of protection and acceptance. Since I don't have a male role model in my life you can come to the conclusion that over the years i've found attention and love through other guys. Every Time I found a guy that I felt was good for me ended up being the opposite. While I looked at them as someone to help me they looked at me as a sex object, it hurt like shit..still does but what hurts most is when they embellish the story and travel so far away from the truth. Truth, haha seems like such a distant word now, it seems like no one uses it anymore.

Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Mar 07, 2017 1:27 pm

Re: just a start

Postby JkBrauer » Tue Oct 10, 2017 5:47 pm

Okay, this is my third attempt to reply to you today,lol. I have lost the other two replies, I hope this one sticks and stays on the site. They say third time is a charm,lol. Let's hope so!
I understand where you are coming from, I am a victim of rape and sexual assault too. I know those feelings and emotions you are talking about. I spent a lot of years learning how to overcome all the fear, guilt, anxiety and depression... I was a teenager out visiting my cousins on their family farm. It was the most awful two weeks of my life. I am not going to make this long and drawn out as possible. I will give you the Truth in what I have learned from that awful part of my life.
First lesson: I was threatened by my uncle so I had no one to talk to and my parents would not listen. I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. I found that the one and only friend I could count on was Jesus Christ. I cried to God, I cried and cried. When I was done crying, I cried out to him in anger and frustration. Then I started talking and asking for help and guidance and direction.
Second lesson: I NEEDED A FRIEND. I was very shy when I was a teen, it made it hard to make friends. I went to church, my Sunday School teacher and his wife really took interest in me. They took me under their wings and molded me and shaped me. They inspired me and help me build some dreams. They made sure I felt important and valued.
Third lesson: I NEEDED TO HAVE A GOAL. I started reading a chapter of Proverbs to five chapters of Psalms in the bible everyday for a month. I needed to make it a habit to read the bible.
Fourth lesson: I NEEDED TO FIND SOMETHING TO DO. I needed to get involved in something and get my mind off dwelling about the past. I found out that I really liked biking. I went and took my babysitting money and bought myself a bicycle. I could get on it and ride to my hearts content and do my thinking all the while too!
Fifth lesson: I NEEDED TO GET OUT AND HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE. I was spending too much time alone. I overwhelming myself with anxiety. I decided to get started getting involved church activities. Guess what, I started making friends by getting involved!
Sixth lesson: I learned this lesson years later! I NEEDED TO FORGIVE. I still felt this heavy bondage throughout all of my life. I could not shake it off. I still felt guilty from my circumstances being out on my uncles' farm all those years ago. I heard a talk show on my radio about giving yourself permission to forgiving yourself and humbling yourself to forgive those who have hurt you in some way or another.
So, after much deliberation and debate, I finally decided to tell myself, "I am not responsible for the rape and the assault." Then I wrote a letter forgiving my uncle and telling him I am not afraid of him anymore, that he holds no bondage over me. Everything he had done I forgive him. I told him about the love of Jesus Christ, I wrote down the John 3:16 verse in the bible, then I signed it.

Today I am free from that bondage there is nothing hanging over my head any more! I am going to pray for you! I hope you will look up John 3:16 and 1John 1:9
Bless you!

Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Mar 07, 2017 1:27 pm

Re: just a start

Postby JkBrauer » Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:34 pm

Just a start,
How are you doing today? I hope you are feeling a little more settled and calm. If you want to talk some more I am around.

Posts: 67
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: just a start

Postby littlestarsmum » Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:02 am

I’m so sorry to hear that, girl. My heart ached as I read your post, and I wish I could give you a hug. I know how difficult and frustrating it must be for you to go through so much pain. Though I don’t have words to convey my care and concern, I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will surround you with His comfort, love, and peace. Have you ever considered talking with a counselor? Do you think that's something that might be helpful for you personally? Please know that you’re precious and you deserve to feel better. You don’t need to carry your burdens alone. You can always come here to share, and I’m here to listen and support you. Stay strong, girl. Love & hugs to you!

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Joined: Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:37 pm

Re: just a start

Postby Nikilia » Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:53 pm

It sounds like you're having a really tough time so to just come on here is a positive step. If it helps to articulate what you're feeling on this forum, then go for it. The verbal abuse you experienced cuts very deep and can take a long time to heal. Maybe it never will but hopefully, you'll find a way, either with therapy or on your own, to cope with those thoughts. Have you tried mindfulness or CBT? There's plenty of reading material on these techniques that do help a lot of people. Take care and thanks for sharing what you're going through.

Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Jun 02, 2017 8:20 pm

Re: just a start

Postby gjetson33 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:52 pm

I understand sexual abuse as well because my father raped me at 16. So i understand the difficulty finding a relationship that you actually believe is real. Like a PP stated Jesus was the first real relationship I had until I found my husband. I was able to be free from all the bondage, guilt, shame of being raped. He made me realize that in my relationship with Jesus, he has already done it all. I have to receive my peace, my joy, my love that he offers. Once I chose to fully receive that from Jesus life has been freeing to not have those things hanging over me. You are able to have those things as well. You said this is just a start, and that is great. You have taken the steps toward change. You can change and be happy, myself and others on this site are examples of that. You be encouraged!

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