Please help. I feel so depressed and hopeless. I need all the advice i can get.

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sr1294rs
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:41 pm

Please help. I feel so depressed and hopeless. I need all the advice i can get.

Postby sr1294rs » Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:06 pm

This is a very long post, but please help. I'm using whatever is left of my hope to write this post, hoping that someone will understand. Background info: i'' a 22 year old Egyptian female. I currently live in My home country.
I used to have it all. I've always been the over-achiever that my parents were always proud of. I graduated top of my class with distinction and several awards. At the same time,i've always been popular and had friends all over the place. I managed to make time for everything and all my friends were always in awe of how i was able to keep up. My family life was perfect,im lucky enough to say i have probably the world's best parents, and nothing will ever change how i feel about them. I love my brothers dearly. Our family life was almost enviable. Our home was constantly full of happiness and love and our door was always open. My friends always envied how blissful of a family and home i had. Other than trivial teenage issues, i was as happy and carefree as a girl could be.
I reached the peak of my life probably in the first year of college. Thats when i met my future fiance. Again, despite normal young relationship issues, we had a beautiful relationship that everyone wanted. 5 years later, we are still together,now engaged with our wedding planned in 6 months.
But like i said, that was the peak. Ever since my first year in college,its all gone downhill. A few years earlier, my baby brother (who ive always loved immensely and felt emotionally bonded to since he was born) had been born with a major learning and cognitive disability. At first i didnt really comprehend what was going on, and my parents tried their very best to assure me that nothing was wrong and to try to keep our lives normal. But as the years went by, i started to understand that my brother was different and that there was nothing i could do to help him. Ever since, i havent been able to get over it. I constantly go through cycles of breaking down over not being able to help him and worrying over his future and then pulling myself together and staying strong. I dont know what exactly hurts me so much about his disease, it just kills me. Sometimes i wish it was me instead of him. What hurts me the most is knowing that he cant express his feelings in words when he is hurt or sad, especially since words have always been the way i let out my feelings. I want so badly to protect him from how cruel this world is. I want to make it clear that i love my brother unconditionally, and i would never change a thing about him. He's my angel in this world. I just want to shield him from the world we live in. The only person ive been able to talk to about this has been my fiance. I dont speak to my friends because i know none of them can relate and i know how this cruel society thinks of those of us who are different. Keep in mind that these kinds of illnesses are much rarer in my part of the world than in the US. People's awareness about these diseases is very very limited. Maybe this is a major reason why ive grown distant from all of my friends. So much so that i barely hear from them anymore. This is also the one thing ive never been able to talk to my parents about, because i dont want to make them sadder than they are. Its taken a toll on my parents. Our home that was once full of happiness and open to everyone is now one of the most depressing homes ive ever seen. My parents have just separated last month and cannot stand each other. My dad recently lost his job and we are now financially unstable for the first time in my life.
Ever since i graduated, i got rejected from my dream job after a year-long selection process that i was almost sure to have gotten. I had several recommendations from professors, a near perfect resume with top grades, awards and certifications and experience. And i lost it. To someone with less qualifications, probably because ive developed a bit of social anxiety over the past couple years and dont perform well in interviews. And now i have no will to look for any other jobs. Nothing comes even close to the job i almost got, not financially, career-wise or even intellectually.
This was the last straw. After my rejection from my dream job, i have completely lost my will to live. I do nothing but stay home and cry all day. Being the overachiever that ive always been, ive never known what it is like to fail. Hard work has always gotten me where i wanted to be. But i guess in real life, its not always fair. And that in itself kills me. I tried to pull myself out of it by reconnecting with my friends, but i feel im just forcing myself on them and that they have all moved on with their lives. My relationship with my fiance is strained, he keeps trying to pull me out of depression but he doesnt seem to understand what im going through. I dont blame him. He tries to help by taking me out every few days and buying me small gifts. Sure, those things make me temporarily fine, but what i feel is so much deeper than that. And ive started to push him away because it annoys me how he's trying to force me into being happy without trying to understand and fix the root causes. I dont know how much longer we can maintain our relationship while im like this. I feel like we wont make it to our wedding. I feel like a failure in every single aspect of my life.
I dont know why everything has to fall apart all at once. My family, my career, my relationship, my friendships. I'm devastated. I just want to fall asleep and wake up and go back to how it was before. Or at least i want to remember what it felt like to be truly and genuinely happy, even if its only for a little while. I've tried doing sports, talking to friends, reading, but nothing seems to be pulling me out of depression. Please help. Please someone tell me this misery will end. I sleep the whole entire day, and when my older brother tries to wake me up to talk to me i end up screaming at him and we fight. For the first time in my life im starting to have suicidal thoughts. I want the negativity to stop. I want a long-term solution.
Most of all, i miss myself. I miss who i was for so long. The outgoing, fun-seeking, enthusiastic, full of life, loving girl i used to be. I miss seeing her when i look in the mirror. I feel like i don't know this person i am now. I hate seeing the look of helplessness in my parents eyes when they see how depressed i am and know there is nothing they can do. Please tell me there is an end to this spiral of sadness.

Amyn73
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:27 pm

Re: Please help. I feel so depressed and hopeless. I need all the advice i can get.

Postby Amyn73 » Fri Jun 16, 2017 5:04 pm

I'm very sorry about the things you are feeling. What you've described is a huge burden for anyone, let alone a young woman. You seem like a smart, caring person who just wants life to resume its normal pattern. That's very understandable. Whenever life goes off course, it can be disorienting, stressful, and lonely.

I wish I had answers for you. I wish I could look into the future and see your beloved little brother, happy and safe, and you in a job that exceeds your wildest dreams (even that dream job that you did not get).
But unfortunately, we cannot predict what happens now or a year, five years, ten years from now. We must live with what is, right here, in front of us. We must worry about what we can fix, accomplish, and solve, today. You cannot fix your brother's cognitive disorder, but you can assure yourself that your love for him will never diminish. That means that whatever he faces in the future he will face with you as his defender and helper. You cannot get back the job you lost. You must now look for the job that is waiting for you to find. It is there, and another and another, and soon you will see that what we dream for and work for does not always work out. But not all dreams are meant to be fulfilled.

You are a strong young woman. But now you must deepen the well of your mental and emotional reserves. You've said it yourself, you had a quite lovely life. In some ways, your early life handicapped you for hardship. Now you must build your muscles and show everyone how capable and resilient you can be. Because it's there, inside you. But you have to push the sadness and fear and disappointment away. I know it's hard. It's terrible, walk JJ go through the more of pain that you will need to walk through to get to a better pace. But you can do it. Youve already done so much.

I have faith that you will climb the mountain you need to climb. Best, best, best of luck.

Amy

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Justyaaveraggurl
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2017 9:26 am

Re: Please help. I feel so depressed and hopeless. I need all the advice i can get.

Postby Justyaaveraggurl » Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:12 am

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The previous poster said something that I must agree with. Your early life which as you described was carefree, handicapped you to another part of the reality of life which is suffering. I have found that suffering can build character, and strength depending on how we choose to deal with it. You are at a cross roads in your life. And the way you choose to deal with your share of suffering in this life can shape the rest of your entire life. You had a very blessed past. Cherish and remember it but it's time to move on from it to your future. You can't do that if you are allowing the memory of what has been to paralyze you from moving into the blessing that could be in your future. Not all suffering is bad for us. Like I sad it builds, patience, perseverance, character which are qualities we all need. I don't know if you are religious but since you asked for advice that's what I advise most of all. Life is filled with a lot of suffering and we have no control of many of the things that can bring that suffering. So for me, I needed hope in something or someone that is bigger than me, stronger than me, stronger than life and greater than my suffering. I needed someone that, could give me the strength hope and peace of mind I needed to safely and lovingly carry me through life's hardships. I found that in my faith. I hope things work you for you and you are in my prayers.


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