Tonight's situation (sorry so long)

[smokeymommabear]

I was thinking about writing my whole story but decided that although it is important, I just don't feel like it. Have you ever had one of those days where you wake in the greatest of moods? You still acknowledge there are improvements that need to be made but from out of the blue you are so positive and you say to yourself "I got this". It's a great feeling. You are having a great day at work. You have made yourself a little to-do list for when you get home but it it's cool. You're gonna start being the best you and you're ready to just start fresh. Everything is perfect. Until someone makes a comment, be it big or little, that just ruins everything. When that comment is made, at first you try to play it off like it's no big deal. You try to tell yourself it's no big, you're not going let this ruin your day. After a bit you can just feel that joyful warmth in your body start to fade away. You're really trying to stay positive. "That was the old me. I know I've made mistakes but I know I can do this. I'm starting fresh remember". Before you know the warmth, eagerness, happiness, and positivity is gone. You start to get upset. Are you really that bad? Am I that much of a screwup? Is that really what people think of me? It keeps going on and on until you just wished you could move a couple states over. If you moved and weren't surrounded by family maybe then people would stop judging you. You can admit that you need to work on things but do people really feel the need to point them out and just keeping rubbing it in, grinding it in. Maybe if you could just move, wouldn't that just fix everything. Or maybe if you won the lottery you'd be a million times happier. No more trying to turn a penny into a dollar. You'd be completely out of debit. Pay your relative back the huge down payment on your house. It's funny actually. Normally the conversation starts with something like "now I don't want to lecture or get on your case but....I think you should be more motivated. Less lazy. I think you should be doing this and you need to do that." (I'll cover the actual reason for tonight's lecture another time). You just feel yourself crushed. What's the point? Why even try? Even if you think you've made some small improvements over the past week and ten seconds before this conversation you were mighty damned proud of them. You start to think that maybe you weren't making improvements after all. I mean know one recognized them. No one was patting you on the back saying "good job. Way to go". No one is ever there to do that. I think they have a calendar where every so often they decide to have a nag day. "Joe your gonna give your wife some grief about not doing the dishes as soon as she gets both feet on the bedroom floor. Jana you're going to be the jerk that's driving 15 miles below the speed limit. Kelly your her manager so just nitpick at every small thing she does. If she writes in blue ink tell her to write in black. When she asks you a question purposely tell her the wrong answer. That'll drive her crazy deciding if she should listen to you because she's your boss and you don't want to get on her bad side. Buuuut yet you are like 98% she's wrong and you're right. Sam lecture her when she picks the kids up after work. And finally just when she gets the kids to bed, turns on the tv, and finds a show she really wants to watch Joe call her and have a little heart to heart where you tell her all the ways she can change to improve your relationship. Make sure to take no responsibility for anything!" Every where you turn you have fingers pointing. The thoughts just keep getting worse until (sometimes) the thought "I can't do this anymore. I'm a failure and disappointment. I can't do this. Maybe it'd be best if I was just gone. I can't keep living like this. Next depends. Maybe you go binge on some food and then cry yourself to sleep, maybe you just skip the binging and go straight to the bed. Maybe you turn to alcohol or drugs. Now what if every single person in that scenario (except for the manager) was a family member and spouse. You have no friends. Even if you did would they really and truly understand and most likely you'd get a "man that's rough. See why you're upset. My husband the other day got on me for leaving my bath towel on the floor. We didn't talk for a whole hour so I know how frustrating men can be". Ugh really? So you turn to those people who give you the least bit of peace. In my case it's my sister who is 8 years younger than me. She's in her party phase so everything I do is cool or right. (We can also cover that whole situation later). She doesn't judge me or tell me how I can improve or what I'm doing wrong. I can breath a little. But people don't understand that. Especially my husband who constantly gets one me for not acting my age. Or keeps telling you how weird it is that you even want to hang out with her since she's so much younger. The one little corner of the earth where I can find piece for a few hours and he wants to take that away too? What else do I have to give up? Why do I have to give everything away and have no life at all except for work and my home life. But then wasn't something like that said in your big lecture? "You need to get motivated, put your properties in order, focus on your house, get organized, start putting your family first" I know I have to make some drastic improvements but how am I not doing that all ready? I admit I'm a slob. I let dirty clothes stack up. I let dishes lay out. Even though I might not clean every week or to be honest I may not clean for a whole month. It depends on my mood. If I'm not in my depressed state then I'll pick up every night and really clean once a week. The problem is every time I'm not in that mood if don't get to stay in it long enough to even try to keep that goal (that nag day pops up just in time to ruin it shortly after). Of course then that's when you can't keep your goal and the next time you get in the mood to make one again and really try and you share it with someone they say "but remember last time you said that? You didn't do it then so what's changed now? How can they believe what your saying? Really? I was doing fine until you guys popped up. You are the reason I broke that promise. I wish they could realize that. I've said a few times "hey I have depression. I already hate myself I already feel like a failure. Thanks for backing that up". But no one thinks about that they just care so much about you that they want to guide you, get you back on the right track. It's so frustrating to have people say they understand what you're going through but then they have no sensor ship of what comes out of their mouths. You aren't helping by reinforcing all of my negative thoughts about myself. My husband and I are on the verge of getting separating. All we do is fight or nag each other. He gets frustrated because I don't do certain things that he finds common sense so he makes a comment. Then I get an attitude because it's like "here we go again. All he does is nag me" meanwhile I'm being rude and making snide comments and replying to every comment he makes to me with my famous attitude. The whole day is now bad because both of us are too stubborn to admit we are wrong. Then I just want to sleep all weekend (which I love sleep. I could and would love to sleep for an entire day I disturbed) then he starts getting on you for staying in bed all day ( if I already said this earlier I apologize. There is also a story to my marriage that will explain a lot. Again, later". The next day then repeats the first. If you have went through a similar situation then you know that this leads you to start thinking that this whole marriage was just another mistake you've made. You start daydreaming of all the movies,tv shows, and books with these great romantic funny lighthearted relationships and the more you do that the more your husband's flaws start to really stand out and the more you get annoyed at him for the smallest things. You start asking yourself why you can't you have a happy marriage. It doesn't have to be based on fake relationships. There are a lot of real life couples that look genuinely happy. They just look so in love. Why can't I have that? As you can tell it has the potential to really go downhill. I'm confused about my marriage. It's like a lose-lose situation. One day you might make the decision to finally leave. You are ready to make that change and are willing to do whatever you have to in order to survive without him. You convince yourself that you are 100% sure. That this is the right decision. This will take away some of the stress away. One less person to nag you. You're also 100% confident that although it will be really hard, you know you can do it" I made that decision on Monday I think. Then, in my case it always goes like this: I'm confident and ready. A little scared but excited for the freedom. Then someone trying to "help" pops in. They start telling me how hard it's going to be. How broke I will be. Tell me I can't make it. Am I sure about this? That puts a few holes in my armor. I start panicking. I start rethinking. Start doubting my decision. Maybe the whole reason my marriage is suffering because of me. I know I need to work on a lot but maybe I need to work on a lot more than I thought. I thought changing my actions would help change me, make me better. I'm now starting to think/realize that maybe I can't just change my actions. Maybe I have to change my entire thought process. I have to relearn and retrain my entire thinking process. It's a big thing to do. Daunting, seemingly impossible to do. Can I really do it? Am I just going to this way forever? What if this is just who I am? What if I am just a failure? It's hard to stay positive. Been then out of the blue and something very rare happens. My husband calls and we actually talk. I vent to him, even started crying. I tell him every emotion I feel and how certain things affect me and how I see certain situations. He asks how he can help. I tell him that I just need support, someone in my corner to massage my neck between rounds. I give him different ways that might work better than what he's doing on. And for the first time in I don't know how long he says he understands. He makes comments acknowledging what I'm actually saying and agreeing he is willing to try and change and approach situations from another angle. He says he understands and admits that I'm not the only one that needs to change in order to improve our relationship. I'm not all to blame after all. It's hard for me to communicate. I rarely ever discuss my feelings. Very rarely something will happen where I just have to get it out. The problem however is that we've had these talks before and it never lasts. Last time I was so relieved that we were starting over (cleaning the slate for the millionth time in our 10 year relationship) but then every time we spoke for what felt like a year after our good talk, some where in every conversation a stupid comment is made like "this sounds good but. " "I hope you stick to it this time" "I just want to make sure you mean it this time". Again how is anyone supposed to move forward, or stay positive when someone is always filling your head with doubt/negativity. Not to mention this great talk makes me think "maybe we can make it work". Which if we could that would be perfect. But what if, like every other time in the history of the relationship, it lasts maybe a few months and then we are right back at each other's throats and back to being miserable. At what age, what year, do you finally say enough is enough. This isn't working it's not going to work let's stop wasting our time and just move on. Will I wake up in 30 years will I still be dealing with this? If I leave I could be giving up too soon but am I wasting just another year or years in this relationship? I need to make a lot of improvements, some big and some small, but I need someone in my corner. Someone to reassure me, support me, give me a shoulder to lean on when I start getting wobbly. Someone I know will pick me up, without judgment or a lecture or any other negative comment/thought, when I stumble. Someone to recognize my improvements no matter how itty bitty small they may be. Just someone that doesn't put me down. Doesn't add to the bad feelings that I already have of myself. I can't keep feeling like I'm a failure to every single person around me. Having all these expectations and knowing that right now I just can't meet them no matter how much I want and no matter how hard I try. I just need some peace. Peace and quiet. Peace, quiet, acceptance.

[nutmeg]

Trying to decide when to throw the towel in with a relationship definitely isn't easy but it sounds like something needs to change between the two of you (maybe marriage counselling or something) because taking the same path over and over while expecting different scenery rarely works.