Does anyone else compartmentalize?

[Puck]

Even though it must be much more painful, I sometimes feel as though things would be simpler if I were clinically depressed to the point of not functioning. Then at least it would be clear that I needed to address my depression before moving on.

The grass is always greener, I know....But just for the sake of argument, this is why I sometimes feel this way:

The way things are right now, I compartmentalize to such an extent that nobody would guess I feel the way I do when I am alone in my room at night. I am a successful graduate student with a good social network and a bank account in the black. I function pretty well during the day, and I usually feel, if not happy, at least fine.

But often, when I'm alone and without distraction, I start down a seemingly endless spiral of rumination, self-criticism, and suicidal ideation (and occasionally self harm or a suicidal gesture).

What's more, cracks have started to show within the last year or so...I am beginning to neglect some serious obligations, and that scares me.

The frustration comes from the conflict between my "public" self and the actual, infinitely more fragile self that is exposed once I stop distracting myself.

The pace of life is so goddamn fast and expectations are so goddamn high, especially in graduate school, that I increasingly feel like I'm scrambling to stay above water and not let anyone see this depressed, dysfunctional side of me. Every moment that I rest (for example, right now as I'm self-indulgently browsing this forum), I fall farther behind in my responsibilities.

Does anyone else here struggle with maintaining a spotless facade in public? How have you dealt with it?

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

[fallen]

' imperfection is perfection ' as some one told me.
who cares what people think of you, you are not a machine, and you are setting your self up for a very difficult life , with such high standards.
life is about making mistakes this is how we learn.
take care

[Puck]

' imperfection is perfection ' as some one told me.
who cares what people think of you, you are not a machine, and you are setting your self up for a very difficult life , with such high standards.
life is about making mistakes this is how we learn.
take care

Thank you for replying. I do appreciate it.

It's not that I disagree with your sentiment, but I just can't see it as quite that simple. Yes, I do care what my professors, my future employers and, to a lesser extent, my friends and family think about me. I don't need them to see me as perfect, but I do feel a need to present myself as functional, capable, sane... The other side of me is so ugly and weak, how could I not care about who sees it?

I don't want to just squash my feelings (because they always have a way of popping back up again), but I do feel a very real and urgent need to keep up with my obligations so I don't screw over my own future. I'm just finding it harder and harder to do that.

[fallen]

it seems like you should see a counselor or a therapist who you can talk this through with .
hypnotherapy can also turn negative thinking in to a more positive outcome.
i am wondering when you marry will you show your wife the 'other' side of you, will you hide this other persona from your children ?.
we are not machines, what makes us human , is our vulnerabilities.
with out this can we have compassion ?
can we have an honest relationship ?
can we have an honest relationship with ourselves ?
it is through our weaknesses that we find our strengths.
try not to be so hard on your self.
take care

[karolanne]

Hi,
I don't know how old you are, but I was like you. I had a great life, good job, social life active, friends, etc. But I was so damn sad and sick when I was alone. I fighted hard to keep my social life at high regiment, but one day, yep, one day, I just felt (fall)...

[Glad2bme]

The wonderful tools you use to get through daily need to be turned toward your own down time. Would you treat a friend the way you are treating yourself in you "down time"? Would you tell a friend how nothing they do is right and that they should just "get it over with" and even hand them a knife to get started?

Of course not. So start being a friend to yourself.

Compartmentalizing is a coping strategy to allow you to function but it has to be balanced with taking time to heal.

Going to a therapist is one way to find a path to healing. There are also support groups. Either way you put at least an hour or so every week aside dedicated to simply thinking about yourself and finding solutions that work for you.

Coming here is another good support tool because sometimes just getting a toxic thought off your chest gives you enough room to breath to be able to look at the thought and reject it from a place of strength.

Journaling helps too. If you are smart enough for grad school and functioning despite depression, it's probably a safe bet that once you have your thoughts written down you'll either be able to leave them on the pages and get on with your day or know if it's something important enough to get help to handle it.

How long have you been depressed? Does anything in your life bring satisfaction? Do you have any spiritual support - not necessarily church, but some idea of a benevolent power greater than yourself?

What FILLS you up or at least to the "fine" mark?

At my worst the only thing that moved me was sunrises and sunsets. I thought to myself that if God cares enough to paint the sky anew day and night just to please us here on Earth, He must care about what I'm going through.

Now I have atheist friends who would tear that idea to shreds and that's ok. Their talks of chemical processes and such don't rob the sunset of one iota of beauty and it doesn't rob me of my faith either. Me seeing God in the beauty of nature doesn't make it any less relaxing and invigorating either. It is what it is and we just see things differently.

So really the only point about this is that whatever works to enrich your spirit, bring you to tears of compassion or joy, make you feel alive (except experimental death like cutting) things that help you feel the peace and one ness beneath all the chaos and destruction... anything that firms up your connection to the power of good reaching out from so many places, wanting to be noticed by you, affirmed and accepted by you... anything that reminds you that even being human is good enough.

You have the right to feel your feelings and not be belittled or set aside. Even if the only one doing that to you is you. It's ok to stop that. (And I only say that because until someone phrased it that way, I didn't realize I was waiting for permission. lol )

Peace,
G2Bme

[Scooter]

Puck,Compartmentalise is description I've never heard before,but your description fits me to a T.
I do exactly the same thing but I refer to it as bunging on my public face.
I deal with a lot of different people day to day and none of them would guess what I'm doing in my own mind when I don't have to keep up the pretence.

So even though I can't offer any real advice as such,believe me you are not alone in this thing and your certainly not the only one doing this putting on the brave face thing.

All the best.
ED.

[pippilongpaws]

Hi Puck,

I can totally relate to what you're saying. In fact, most of what you've said, I would also apply to myself.

Everyone I know would probably describe me as a happy, dedicated, reliable person. However, on the inside, I hate myself. I feel down constantly, and that makes me feel weak and embarassed, that I'm a lesser person because of it. I used to harm myself as I thought i deserved it, that I needed to do it to feel something, and I was so undeserving of love, that that feeling had to be pain.

When I'm alone, there's this restlessness knawing away at my mind, and my thoughts just start screaming at me, pulling me in all directions. I both hate and love the responsibilites heaped upon my shoulders. I have a very successful career ahead of me that a lot of new graduates in my position would kill for, but all the salary in the world could make me love what I do.

Do you ever feel life your life is a double edged sword, that you'r walking along that knife edge every day, trying to keep your balance, but all around you there are people (friends, family, colleagues, classmates, lecturers, randome people you meet in stores etc.) who are pushing and pulling you, trying to break you, and force you to mould into what they want you to be, how they expect you to act?

People usually mean well, know that. They usually aren't intentionally forcing you to conform to some kind of expectation, but yet it still happens. They think they're doing the right thing, encouraging you, helping you reach your potential. And you end up feeling scared to hurt their feelings, guilty if you told them that they're pushing you a little too far.

I feel that it's getting harder to maintain a spotless facade in public. My problem is anger. Everyone I know sees me as this shy, quiet, lamb-like person who wouldn't say boo to a goose, but lately I've started standing up for myself, stating my opinion, and they are all shocked. But do you know what, most don't hate me for it, I haven't been tarred with the "she needs anger management" brush as I feared. And I feel almost liberated for it as I can start to discover who I am instead of being a doormat.

Try it, maybe once a week, once a month, let a little of your real self come out. It's scary, but it feels almost empowering. I think you need to open up to start growing as a person, you need to discover who you are, your personality, your opinions, instead of sticking to the ones that everyone else has placd upon you. I know, I know, easier said than done, right? Believe me, I know how you feel (seriously, I'm not just saying that, you really sould like my twin or something) but just take it baby steps at a time. Remember, we are STRONG to be able to cope with this. This isn't going to be easy to overcome, but the best things as never easy to achieve. But you can do this, every step you take, no matter how small, to battle through this, is more proof of your courage.


I think that your need to maintain a public image could be behind your sudden desire to deliberately disregard your responsibilities. Your mind doesn't have the energy left to keep up two peronalities, it can't help it, things are going to start slipping. That's why you need to start letting yourself shine through, and give your mind a bit of a break before its circuits are well and truly fried. Try talking to someon you trust about how you feel. If you're scared that they won't understand or will laugh at you, tell them this too. Often or not, by voicing our fears, it's a sure-fire way to face and overcome them. Give your friends and family more credit, they'd likely rather you talk to them so they can try to help than have you bottle everything up. If you aren't quite ready to talk to someone, then try keepign a journal or writing a letter to a friend. Eventually, you may find yourself ready to chat face to face. Help doesn't always have to come in the form of advice and actions, sometimes just having an ear to listen can help relieve some of the pressure.

I don't know if you've got anything useful from what I've written, as I usually suck at advice. But I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this, and that there is a way out.