This won't be pretty.

[Scooter]

I'm manic depressive.
This I know because the people from the Papakura cat team told me so about 10 years ago.
When I was told this it made me feel better because it put a name to what I was and had been for a very long time.

So how did I get here ?
Well my dad was not providing as he should of been (no judgment here,just what it was.
Anyway,my mother ended up deserting both my older sister and myself when I was 4 years old.
It's my first memory of life,being at home for 3 days by ourselves before my grandmother visited and found us there.
Not so much a bad memory,just odd it should be the first.
I guess nothing interesting had happened up until then huh.
Lot's of confusion but no explanations late my sister vanished and I got a new mother who with a little help from dad bullied me into calling her mum even though I didn't know who she was.
What she became was THE bully in my life and seldom failed to tell me I was stupid and a no hoper ect ect.
Before I go any further I'd like to point out that I hold no grudge against this woman,,it's just what it was and my problems no longer have anything to do with her.
Anyway,if her own son messed up it was always due to my influence.
I was 5 years old when I found out what a bad influence I was.
But when I messed up,and that was a lot,it was because I was a little S#@$ and she could never work out what she'd done to deserve me in her life,,,,an that's just skimming the surface.
There was some physical stuff as well but that never cut as deep as the never ending put downs.
My father told people in later life that he knew this was going on but did and said nothing about it.
That still bothers me a bit but the man is gone now and I know people have different ways of dealing with their own problems so I guess head in the sand was just his way.
Today I believe it was sometime around those very early days when I started having mental health issues.
Looking back at it I always felt like I was on my own and had no support or anybody on my side.
I did very poorly at school and copped more abuse for that and today still have real issues concentrating on traditional types of study.
The funny thing is that if I want to learn something for my reasons,it's not a problem and I simply do so.
At around 6 years old I stopped going home after school "running away from home it was called",,but I was just scared of what was coming next.
Sometimes I'd simply sit on the back step an look through the key hole now an then but could never get up the courage to open that door.
I'd often sit there all night.
I also became a petty thief and worse as I got older.
Eventually I ended up in welfare care where I got the pro' version of the same treatment.
Well,apart from the violence from the other kids I actually liked those places better than my own home so I did well while I was there.
But as as a result I was sent home again,and thus the cycle started all over again.
Looking back I guess I should of told one of those social workers what was happening at home,but they would just passed it on and I'd of got it even worse when I got home so that wasn't going to happen.
So I'd get home and I'd be fine for a few weeks and then I'd mess up again,never having a clue why apart from definately knowing I wasn't wanted there because she'd tell me so.
I eventually ended up in more boys homes,followed by borstal and then on to prison.
I got married in 1979 to a girl that never saw what was coming but has still stuck with me all these years.
How do you describe somebody like that ?
We had a daughter in 1980 and that had the effect of actually making me really think about the future for the first time in my life.
I simply swore to myself that I'd never do to my own kid what had been done to me,and we managed to raise a well balanced and happy person that has lived a good life and given us three amazing grandkids.
All the time we were doing this I still messed up now an then but I managed to keep the drug use and other illegal stuff I'd become involved in well away from my daughter.
So she never really saw that side of me other than knowing I was a very angry person at times.
As a young adult she once told a friend how scared she'd been of me when she was younger,,,I can't describe how that made me feel and still does to this day.
When she was born I stopped having anything to do with my own family because I didn't want my step mother getting in my kids head.
I also didn't want her sitting my kid down and telling her all about what a $%# her dad was,and I already knew from previous experience she'd do exactly that.
My doing this hurt my father but I still felt it was more important to protect my daughter from both my step mother and my two younger half sisters that both worked in massage parlors and felt there was nothing wrong with that, but they were certainly were not getting anywhere near my daughter.
As a result of that,other than my step brother who has also become a black sheep by becoming a member of a criminal motorcycle gang the rest of the family hate me today,but I can live with that, plus it's only the short version of the story anyway.
It didn't happen over night.
Anyway the years while my daughter was still living at home things were resonably calm apart from the fact I'd sort of worked out there was something very wrong about me.
At that time I had a very good job that paid well so we didn't have to much pressure of the money kind apart from my blowing it regularly.
When I say that I mean I still messed up for absolutely no reason and would lose everything I'd been trying to achieve but we always seemed to recover without to much damage,,which is really understating it but the shame makes me not want to go to deeply into it.
A simple example would be the effort I'd put into the sports I was interested in, just as I was getting to where I wanted to be I'd just drop it and walk away totally avoiding anybody that might ask why.
I burnt a lot of bridges and let down a lot of people doing that type of thing and still do the same today but as a rule I tend to keep it to myself now by not involving others in what I'm doing.
I don't have to many friends which is just as well for them I guess.
Anyway,just lately things have not been going very well at work due to things that have nothing to do with me but could cost me my job.
If that happens we could loose our home because I'm now 55 years old,have a resent history of back injuries and a criminal record that may be old today but it's still there.
I wouldn't employ me.
So I've been on the edge of a major emotional crash for the last week. I've been driving around "I'm a truck driver" wondering how I could end it without it costing my wife my life insurance.
I know that's not rational thinking, but I'm still in fear of waking up tomorrow morning and having to face another day.
I'm just as scared of the medication I was on when I was first diagnosed,and I'm also just as scared of the medication my MD prescribed for me a few mouths ago and which then sent me into a downward spiral over night because it clashed with another medication I was on for an unrelated issue.
Right now while I'm sitting here typing this lot I think I can deal with this,but this time tomorrow or even just ten minites from now I have no idea.
I'm sorry if this lot brings you down but I really needed to put it somewhere that others might see it, know what I'm talking about and make some use of it.

Thanks,
Scooter.

[Ieris]

Hello Scooter,

You have done the right thing by limiting their access to you and your families lives, they would be a bad influence. The thing that I admire about you is that you don't even blame everything on them, there is no hate in your voice. You have grown up to become a decent man despite growing up such circumstances. Yes you made a few mistakes here and there but who doesn't? You are a good father who has provided for our family and kept your daughter in the dark regarding your problems. You are a protective and loving father who has a good family and grandchildren too, why would you even contemplate suicide and leave them?

I know that you feel insecure about your job right now, unfortunately it isn't something that you can control and it is not your fault. So you've anticipated that this could happen, so instead of letting it making you depressed why not think of sensible solutions that you can take, what is plan B? Plan C? Etc.

You have been thrown back so many times in life and you have always bounced back. You said so yourself, you always recover and this situation shouldn't be any different. Find the strength to face it and see what other options you have, don't let this defeat you have come so far. It is not a dead end, there are other paths you can take you just have to open your eyes and see, and if there is no path, you create one!

With regards to starting things and walking away after, couldn't it be that you simply lost interest. If you enjoy something you don't have to become the best at it, it depends what you actually want from it in the first place. Be it a little knowledge, a lot of knowledge, actual experience etc so once you have got what you are looking for you walk away and start looking at something new. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

I hope things work out for you, I do believe you will recover from this just like you always do ^_^

[Scooter]

Thank you for your message Ieris.
Some of your comments have made me step back an look at things from a slightly different perspective and that has been quite help full because I tend not to like myself much when I get to the state I've been in the last couple of weeks.
Plus,after reading of some of the other members issues and getting through today without feeling any worse than usual, I do believe I will get past the current bout of depressed feelings urges.
If fact after reading the posts of some of the other people here,I'm starting to see my own problems as being rather mild compered to some,although I do know I still have a way to go yet.
I stated taking St Johns wart again this morning so I'm hoping that will also help keep me on an even keel.

Again,thanks so very much for your comments.
ED.

[Ieris]

You're welcome ^_^

Glad that you are feeling a bit more positive about your situation

[Jdero]

Hi Scooter,

I am young, and perhaps cannot relate so well with you because of my lack of experience, but just want to wish you well and remind you that there are many good things about you. Your words help others, and never stop working on bettering yourself, as it seems you have taken steps towards already.

Hang in there, stay positive.

JD

[CrazyLady17]

(((Hugs)))